The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
