Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
