i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
