I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
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