When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
