I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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