If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize