I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
