I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How's work?
Spinning.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
