Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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