dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i think i have two assholes
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
