I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
