her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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