Pappa wants mamma naked
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
my phone needs a breathalizer
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
