Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
