Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
In the future we'll all be gay
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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