Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
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