I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
