VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
