I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
