where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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