I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
