my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
