here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
