I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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