I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
