I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
