I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
