I'm so fucking centered right now
I smell stomach acid.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize