Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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