So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
