I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
