Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
