I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize