just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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