My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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