he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
