Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize