There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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