if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
