You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize