2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize