Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
