i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Randomize
