kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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