the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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