can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
