I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
