I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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