Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize