Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
