i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
there is puke in my bra ... again
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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