I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
