Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
