I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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