i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
