your parents love me but you hate me
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
