Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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